Honey-Do List

15 Dec

Every man that has spent any time in close proximity to a women knows what a Honey-Do List is. It’s a secretive List, maintained by women, in order to have tasks upon which they can draw, in case of emergency. These tasks are designed to keep us out of their hair, keep us out of trouble, or in rare instances, to fulfill some necessary service.

These emergencies can occur under different circumstances. For instance, if she is simply looking for a way to get him out of her way for a while, she can tell him how imperative it is that the attic be cleaned out, before tomorrow. This may be because her mother is coming to visit on Saturday, or because Oprah has George Clooney scheduled on her show today. Some women may even decry the necessity of leaving a clean home behind, in case of Rapture. The reason doesn’t really matter…she wants it done, so we must do it.

She may also have a real need. Her mother may really be coming in on Saturday’s early flight, for the sole purpose of inspecting the attic, so that she can pass judgment on her daughter, in case it’s necessary to rewrite her will. It really doesn’t matter, as I said. Just smile, and get ‘er done!

More often, it will simply be a matter of her having noticed how content you seem, sprawled out in your favorite chair, waiting for the second overtime to expire in the NFL playoff game of the century. You are doomed. Whether it’s the attic, the front lawn, or a wobbly chair in the front hall (that nobody ever sits in, anyway), don’t despair….you can catch the final score on the radio, on your way to work in the morning.

Of course, if you could get a look at the List, you’d be forewarned. You could even get a jump on things. Just think, the next time you hear, “Honey, I really need you to take care of the ….”, you can respond, with aplomb, “Already did it, babe, while you were taking your shower this morning.”

She’ll be so flabbergasted, that you’ll be halfway through the post-game analysis before she can get a grip.

But forget it! You see, the Honey-Do List only exists in another dimension…her mind. It is virtually impossible for a man to foresee what his woman will come up with as the handyman crisis of the moment, because even she doesn’t know, until she thinks of it. The List is limited only by her imagination, and she is adding to it EVERY SINGLE WAKING MOMENT.

Because that’s her job.

So, grin and bear it, my friend. Even if you keep things up like a finely tuned nuclear reactor, she can still point out, at a moment’s notice, how the collapse of civilization is imminent, and only YOU, by immediately fulfilling her “request”, can stave off the destruction of mankind.

Makes ya kinda feel needed, doesn’t it? Well, you are!


There’s another approach to the List, of course. You can simply refuse to interrupt your important activities, for such trivia. It might work.

Nobody knows of course, because nobody that’s tried that approach has survived to report. Maybe you’ll be first….or not.

Let me know how that works out for you, okay? And let me know who won the playoffs… I’ll be up in the attic.


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